Love is a big word, a big concept. It means nothing and everything at the same time.
My life time of chronic diseases: Crohn's, Lyme, depression, chronic fatigue, all of whom I consider to be my best teachers, showed me my inability to allow and materialise my dreams, they guided me to dare express my self, they challenged me to feel good about myself, they gave me one ultimatum: to allow myself to receive Love.
The challenge:
My Birth trauma had hit my nervous system so hard that it was not able to relax and welcome Love and Life in my cells, in myself.
My nervous system had established it wasn't safe to receive. I was stuck in the vexation of not being fully loved and welcomed by my parents at birth. Even if their disappointment had only be for a second, it was registered in my amygdala, the part of my brain that registers emotions, that "I am not right", "I am not loved","I disappoint".
To protect myself from more suffering my beautiful Ego, strong from the beliefs systems it had created, suggested that I close my heart as it was too painful to feel that I wasn't loved for who I was. I believed the lies.
I have gone through life with this big, heavy pain, this feeling that it is not safe be who I am, that I need to protect myself.
The sadness, at the soul level, has been so deep, the loneliness so profound. It pushed me to subconsciously co create the same scenario of not feeling loved, welcomed, celebrated, at each one of my new beginnings, my new births in this lifetime.
Each time I have closed my heart a little more.
Today I know this wasn't true, I am loved, I was loved. This confusion at birth was a product of culture, my parents wishing I could be a boy to live a better life in this patriarchal society. I have 2 older sisters and I was designed to be the boy.
Subconsciously I carried this upset in my every cells until my body said NO, NO MORE!
It pushed me to stop, study and find answers and I did.
Kinesiology and Breathwork helped me clear and transform the self hatred, the disappointment and confusion I had about life.
I needed to make sense of the "what" is life; of the "why" am I here and of the "how" to live this life?
The healing journey:
It formally began 30 years ago when after the birth of my first child my life collapsed.
I was new to Australia and I was healing from the Crohn's disease I was suffering from since age 17.
My child's birth hit me like the Big Bang: depression, chronic fatigue and the unresolved, unprocessed subconscious trauma from my own birth, creating total chaos.
Life could now start re organising itself.
I know now, I am a healer, with me I take anyone, known or unknown , who has suffered from any kind of injure to their self esteem.
Standing proud in front of people is the next step. I have made myself wait. There is so much I would love to share but until I learn to let myself be loved, I will only be in the trying!
The medicine I need, the only medicine we need, is love.
The gift I received from healing of Lyme Disease was that I needed to go to the next step of loving and accepting who I am.
Loving me, loving the child in me, even and especially when I wasn't happy with myself.
I needed to correct the all too familiar habit of not liking, not accepting who I was, of wanting to hide and disappear in my shame cave.
The shame I received at birth, had become my companion of dark nights, it was riding me of vitality and health. That shame had created the terrain for parasites, viruses and bacterial infections to live happily in my organs, in my cells, in myself.
Love is a very powerful energy.
I love Love and I now welcome Love in my life in all its aspects.
Love will bring to my consciousness what needs to be transformed, it will bring chaos, suffering and growth.
The path of Love is the path of Health is the path of Life.
To know that there is only one path simplifies anyone's quest for freedom.
Making the changes needed to adjust to Love and Life are often uncomfortable and against what we had imagined we needed.
Grief is an essential part of Love. Letting go of what we thought would be is painful, sad and confusing at times.
Grief is the step we need before accepting what is with an open peaceful heart.
Breath is what helps me to accept and transform what is in the way.
Breath is what helps me to regulate my nervous system.
I slow down my breath to welcome my dreams, to organise the integration of my heart with my mind.
My head-mind and my body-heart meet in my neck, in my throat chakra of expression, of my truth. Together my truth and Thy will, I can surrender with my feet firmly planted on the ground.
The earth is guiding me, it is carrying me, it is so easy now that I get it. All I need is to allow myself to be loved.
I breathe being loved, I receive being loved, I am being loved
