I am falling, falling
no floor to catch me
no reason to hold me
no understanding to support me
What happened?
What was the thought that pushed me over the edge?
I'm dying
my personality is dying
my ego is dying
I don't fit anymore or so it seems into my life.
nothing makes sense
What I was living for has disappeared
the joy is gone
the purpose is gone
I don't understand the world I live in anymore
I don't understand the passivity of our world
I want to scream, wake up!
But who am I screaming to?
Is it my own apathy that makes me uncomfortable?
The thing is, that when I talk, when I try to say what I think, I feel worse.
I feel no-one is hearing, understanding and seeing what I see.
There is a darkness around me, above me. I connect to it. It's in my head, like a little cloud, the darkness of bad news, hard times. It's staying there. I meditate it goes away and then it comes back. The thought is still there. The fear still uncovered.
Where has my joy gone?
The sadnesss inside is deep.
My eyes are shut. Gunk is settling in.
And then again when I open my eyes, I can see that all is well, that my life is ok, that there is nothing to fear, it's all going according to plan, even if I am not sure what "the plan" is. The plan is actually what is freaking me out.
I realise that the deep painful feelings awaken in me by today's story, don't belong to this life!
Today's circumstances have aroused a past life trauma.
An unhealed wound has burst open.
The unresolved pain is all over me, in me. I want to run far away, I want to hide in a small room.
My nervous system can't decide between flight or freeze.
I'm hardly functional. I feel trapped.
Ancestral healing is taking place, it's taking over my life.
My heart, my lungs are clearing something, they are busy operating in another life.
I feel them, they are fragile, over worked.
Can I rely on them to help me connect today, in this present time to my reality?
I feel lost.
I am looking for direction, for joy.
I want to feel hope.
Will my heart come back to me now?
A month ago, I was juggling the births of 3 great projects. I was excited, maybe a little stretched.
It felt like I was flying.
And then as if I was attached to an elastic band, I found myself being pulled back hard into inner-restrictions. Snapped back into "having to".
Now it the time for great inner healing and as always love is going to be the way.
Not small love, big universal love. Big mama Gaia love.
Allowing her to take me into her arms, allowing her to console me.
Allowing her to show me how to receive from the big central sun,
Allowing her to make me feel safe enough to receive hers and his great healings.
Opening myself to receive love will heal and transform this life as well as the other lives that have come up for clearing.
The trick is to remain open to receive while pain is showing up.
Releasing polarities, good/bad; right/wrong; me/them.
Forgiving myself, forgiving others and forgiving the world for our suffering
Transforming the subconscious belief which is holding me prisoner to a reality that doesn't exist.
Bringing myself back to the present moment by connecting to my heart. It doesn't take long, it just needs attention and awareness.
Allowing grief and sadness which sometimes accompany letting go.
Staying, staying in the present moment and recognising the triggers which take me out of it. The future, the past, the anxiety, the uncertainty, the desires, wanting, willing, wishing. Letting it all go, even if it feels the dreams are going with it. This is big clearing time. This is new skin growing. The colour uncertain, the future unknown
Anything is possible now that the ego is freeing the soul. She can express herself outside of expectations, narratives and low self worth.
There is no direction to follow other the path of developing more gentleness, kindness and acceptance of what is.
There is nothing else to focus on other than developing my ability to receive Love and Life.
I feel good now. My feet have found the ground of the knowing that all is well, that I am cared for. I can play and create freely. I am safe. I am.