Some days I wake up with the profound desire to express beauty.
I feel it in my heart, it's an expanding, nurturing feeling. It feels vague. It doesn't have a purpose other that bathing in beauty, in love, in connection with something I cannot see.
I can only feel it. It feels like love, peace and expansion.
How to express something so intangible?
I breathe in and I connect. The long and deep desire to heal comes up. I feel it in the pit of my being. It is warm, it is the fire that has brought me to this point, to now, to always.
Healing has been so important on my journey. It is my full time dedication to the spirit in me which cannot express itself, who cannot tell others who I am, who finds it hard to play.
Everything I do, every thought I have, every action I perform lead me to that . They lead me to me.
The fight within between expressing my beauty and the fear which oppose me to do so is common to all of us.
I know it's not only mine, it belongs to the entire planet. This is the transcendance we go through as we wake up.
This is the condition of being human. We are full of contradictions. We are aiming for spiritual liberation.
I know if I allow myself to go into fear the beauty is going to contract, it's going to go and hide in that well known supposed safe place. But is it safe really?
It feels tight is that place. It feels sad, lonely and I feel the tears being at the edge of my heart, going up to invade my mind to shadow it.
My body feels tired, I could just go to bed and wallow on my inability to express myself. I could also come up with loads of excuses, my husband, the kids, the neighbours, money, time, my living conditions, the lack of this or the too much of that. I could feel righteously angry.
We all know the excuses we use to make us feel entitled to not be able to. This is part of not being able to be with the fear, the procrastination, the boredom, the confusion.
Ok I say, let's be with the fear.
I connect, ground, breathe in my belly. Yes, the earth is here. I feel it, it's solid under my feet.
I can relax, be . Time is slowing down. I am
I let the fear come up, it might swallow me. I feel very young.
I feel sad. I feel insecure.
What am I afraid of?
Of being me, of daring to live.
My entire body contracts. Where am I to go, what am I to do with this existential fear?
Nothing, I will not run away from it anymore.
Not now that I have the Earth as my ally.
I breathe.
The time is now, I know. The planet has stoped in order for us to catch up.
The Earth is helping us to heal our Nervous System which couldn't follow the demands of our human disconnected lifestyle anymore.
It has been may years ago when I realised that my nervous system needed to heal. I couldn't not relax, my muscles were always involuntary tight.
So tight I couldn't ground, I was carrying myself from the shoulders up. My head in front.
We are now as a collective being asked to connect, to stay in the ground, at home, like the seed of a plant which is preparing to grow and push through the earth. That birthing project requires energy, it requires concentration and it requires commitment.
In this place of confinement we all need to commit to ourselves. We are now given the time to be with ourselves. This is can feel uncomfortable, foreign or painful if you haven't had an experienced with being still before.
When we stop , our emotions talk and sometimes it's a bit too loud, too unbearable. But hey, we cannot distract ourselves anymore.
Most of us are afraid of our emotions.
Some of us feel that the emotion is bigger than us. That if we let the emotion come up, it might swallow us up. Those emotions relate to early childhood. When we didn't know how to deal with them , they were challenging our own survival. Often we had to let a part of ourselves go in order to survive the ordeal.
Some of us believe that we need to feel only positive emotions and that if we don't then what we don't want will show up in our lives. This wanting to be positive always is led by fear and is dismissive to our real beauty, sensitivity and ability to be with who we are and with what is.
Our emotions are the watering can, the rain, that will make the plant of the expression of our soul grow.
We need to mature into being at peace with how we feel.
We need to connect with the Earth, our best friend, sister, mother. She is there and she listens.
I connect with my debilitating fear of being. I offer it to the Earth.
She knows what to do with it.
She has asked me to give it to her.
When I sit quietly and connect with Her. When I let Her envelop me with Her warmth, carry me with Her Love then the fear that was constricting Our beauty can be washed away to the ground like love fertiliser.
It's our beauty because we are connected.
When I grow, She grows.
Right now, She and I need to expand. So we stop, we be still, we be ok with what is.
We allow all emotions to light the way of the expression of our beauty.
How comforting it is to know that all is well and the Earth has it all under control and all I need is to relax and allow Life in me to nourish me, others and the Earth.